Six years ago, I wrote myself a letter.

It was an assignment for my Art Senior Seminar class in college. We were to write down what we imagined our ideal day to look like 5 years later. This would presumably get us thinking about our future in a way that was more tangible than “I want to be a famous artist”. Because we all know how well that works out.

This was the day I imagined for myself:

I will get out of bed around 10, leisurely sip my coffee, walk my dog, and generally take my time waking up. Around noon, I will sit down at my desk (at home) and work into the wee hours of the morning the next day. Of course I’ll be designing CD booklets and show posters for my favorite musicians.

And off I went – to begin that life.

It wasn’t long before I learned that musicians have no money and CDs quickly went out of style. Plus I’m not really THAT into music.

More importantly, I also learned that being a graphic designer wasn’t all I expected.

Having worked in a variety of settings over the last 5 years, there are definitely pros and cons to both working for yourself and working for someone else, but at the end of the day it’s all the same. You are constantly at the demand of your clients (or boss), doing work you may or may not be proud of. You are so exhausted, spinning your creative wheels for people who may or may not trust your judgement, that you have no energy to work on anything for yourself.

At least that’s how it was for me, and as someone who can not stop herself from making things, this became increasingly hard to deal with. I started to feel like my soul was being slowly pulled out from under me. I was having panic attacks. On the subway. At rush-hour.

Then I started thinking about this letter I wrote what seemed like a lifetime ago. When I was full of hopes and dreams about my future. Before I was jaded and bitter (and panicky). I wanted a piece of the old Amanda back. The one who actually looked forward to waking up every day instead of dreading it.

Most of my college years are a blur…at least the school part…but that one tiny little exercise burrowed its way into my brain and decided to stay. For some  reason it allowed me to see my future differently than the old stand-by “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Because, let’s face it, how many of us can say that we became our dreams? Or better yet, how many of us can say that we still want what our younger selves wanted? Not me, I tell you. Not me.

So, I began listening my body. I said goodbye to as many sources of stress as possible (mostly clients). I learned to say “No” when people learned my profession and assumed I wanted to take on their project which they wouldn’t pay me for. (still working on that one, but getting much better). And I nabbed a gig working with this guy. Which is pretty much perfect. (I’ll tell you why in another post soon).

Slowly I began to notice that I felt calm and peaceful more often than I felt stressed out and anxious. And, eventually, the panic attacks ceased.

I know some of you will hate me when I tell you I wake up around 9:30, leisurely drink my morning coffee, walk the dog and then begin work…in my pajamas, but it’s the truth. It’s what I do. And I love it…mostly…but it’s not everything. Oh and I do start my day earlier than noon…most of the time.

Now that I am (mostly) living the life I scribbled in that letter 6 years ago, it’s time to do it again. I’ve learned a lot about myself since then. And the next 5 years hold a whole bunch of new things. Not just for my career but for every other part of my life too.

So I invite you to join me on this little trip – if you want to come along – hopefully I’ll get somewhere – and if not, well, the journey might be interesting. I do not promise to stay on topic – whatever that may be. But I do promise to be honest.

Oh and just to keep you guessing, I’ll post the letter to my future self in an upcoming post. Stay tuned.

In the mean time, what does your ideal day look like 5 years down the road?

What  if you continue on the path you’re on?
Is that what you want for yourself?
If not, what DO you want?

Write it down. It makes it more real.

If you are so inclined, tell me in the comments.